Day 21!

I've sort of been keeping this private, mostly because I was afraid of failing, but from what I hear, today is a big day for me. I may still fail, I may succeed, but I guess it's time to pat myself on the back for making it this far.

21 days ago, I had my last cigarette. I struggle every day with it, it's been rough, but I'm told 21 days is a turning point when you try to break a habit, or in my case, a full blown addiction.

I've tried quitting before, never lasted long. Pills, patches, gum, all seemed pointless. But finally, I realized that I could change little things here or there and really cut back. It didn't take long for me to go the entire day without a cigarette, only smoking once I was back at home. That eventually got easy. Then I stopped having that morning smoke, or night time smoke, and cut back even more. Stopped smoking indoors, even less chances to smoke. Eventually, more than a half a pack a day became four or five cigarettes a day.

With summer now here, it was easy to start going for a walk in the evening if a craving hit. This helped me cut back another cigarette or two a day. Then I smoked my last cigarette and was so proud. 5 days later, I fell off the wagon, hard. I kept trying this, stopping completely, not buying another pack, but just kept failing. I'd go two days, three, six.

It finally hit me that what wasn't working for me was not having the choice not to smoke. It made the cravings worse, it made it unbearable. I needed to be able to say no it, not be completely restricted from it. So the last time I fell off the wagon and bought a pack of smokes I left a few in the pack and carried the pack with me everywhere. I said to myself, "If the craving becomes too strong, that's okay, you smoked for 10 years, you're not weak." But having that safeguard of the cigarette if I really needed it made it easier to deny it. I guess I just needed the choice, I needed the comfort of knowing it was there, just in case. Anyone who smokes or has smoked understands this. Cigarettes are a comfort.

So for 21 days I have carried around three cigarettes and a lighter. I haven't touched them, I have found distractions, I've had more water to drink in three weeks then my entire life. I'm not ready yet to give up that safeguard. I'm not totally convinced yet that this is it. Maybe I'll still fail but making it this far will make it easier for the next time. Maybe this already is the next time and the last time. I'll know for sure when I can stop chewing Advil like candy because of withdrawl headaches.

Whatever happens, don't hate me. If I fall off the wagon, don't be mad, I'll get back on. I want to do this! I'm going to do this! I just can't give up or put myself down, no matter what.

I figured it was time to let you all know because now I have another incentive to keep pushing this. The last thing I want to do is have to write a post saying I didn't make it and then write a post saying I'm trying again and keep going back and forth.

So cheers to day 21! Wish me luck for 21 more! I could use all your help.